As most of you faithful readers know, my mother celebrated her 90th birthday last February. I’d like you to know she is still doing very well and living a full life down at St. Leonard retirement community in Centerville.
It hasn’t been a terribly easy year, just the same. And such is why I wanted to focus on aging parents this time around.
Mom and Dad had seven kids, which along with spouses, puts a lot of folks on the committee deciding how to proceed in our efforts to best keep Mother safe and thriving. We don’t always agree, which I would imagine does not surprise you. Sometimes I wonder which behaviors we exhibit have roots all the way back to when we were kids. My guess is much of it does. But I’ll save that reflection for another day.
Back in February, just before Mom’s birthday celebration, six of the Magnificent Seven sibs met to discuss what to do for Mom that she might not be able to do for herself any more. We decided that some in-home assistance every week would be a good idea, along with ‘meals-on-wheels’ which would deliver nutrition right to her door.
After months of considering the best way to go, we selected a service that would get Mother help two days a week, five hours at a crack. Mom would be responsible for picking up the tab. Since my sister is now handling the checkbook, Mom really wouldn’t have to do anything except enjoy the aide’s company after directing her to the tasks she had selected for the day. Food prep was one of ‘em.
Just to make all this a little more interesting, Mom was diagnosed with a meningioma (a benign tumor) located deep in her brain, a few months ago. The little bugger might make her a little unsteady on her feet now and then, but overall, the neurologist said that it really shouldn’t impact her safety all that much. He encouraged her to continue using her walker regularly. No problem with that.
He also diagnosed Mother with the onset of dementia. Problem is, when he explained to sibs present at the appointment with Mom what that meant, Mother’s hearing failed her and she missed the whole discussion. So it wasn’t until a couple weeks later that one of my sisters told her about the dementia. Mother was floored.
As a result of the neurologist visit, Mother was put on a drug that is designed to help aging brains. Since that time, I think her behavior has brightened up a bit. She still isn’t happy about everything in life, but she talks about reading at church, enjoying Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune every weeknight, and recalling an interesting passage from a book she is currently reading.
And so, into this mix, enter an in-home aide my Depression-era Mother has to pay for to the tune of about $160/week.
To make a long story short, a certain brand of family hell broke out just about then. Sure, Mother doesn’t want to pay for the help. But, damn it, let her spend some money on herself.
Or: Mother needs the help to stay safe and it’s just her dementia talking. Or: We all decided on this course of action. Let’s all give it time.
Just the same, Mother wasn’t happy with arrangements. She explained to me that it felt like we were ‘putting her out to pasture,’ letting somebody else do the work she does for herself. We were ‘crippling her’ and putting her in a position ‘not to be me.... I am not in bad shape,’ she said. ‘Maybe in two months or six months, but not yet.’
Well, we sibs weren’t all happy with the concept of giving up on in-home care after just a couple of weeks. But we did. The program was cancelled the other day and Mother, at age 90, is on her own again to do her own laundry, take showers, and make meals. That’s the way she wants it.
All of this wasn’t easy for us kids. I’m pretty sure some of us aren’t talking to others because of how things developed.
And I guess that’s the point of today’s blog: It is so important to empower folks, including 90 year-old seniors, to be in charge of their lives. Mom said after the cancellation that she felt like she got her ‘home back again.‘
Mother may need help one of these days. I suspect she will. And though we sibs did what we felt was best, it didn’t work. As I wrote my brother, ‘Great idea. Wrong timing.’
We’ll be keeping an eye out for Mom’s well-being. In the meantime though, she knows she’s still in charge of her life, as difficult as it may have become. Losing gifts to aging isn’t any fun and, in fact, can be damned depressing.
Still, is it not the point that senior friends and family members know they have been listened to and are in charge of their lives -- for as long as they can be?
Today’s Elder Idea: When I reflect on my own personal physical fitness -- I know I’m not in as good a shape as I could be -- I think that lots of folks never lived long enough to be 61 like me. Sure could be worse. Life is good.
Your humble blogger
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